The thought was killing me.
Hate was brewing inside.
I knew I was going to resent this for a few years,
probably for the rest of my life.
Fear.
Denial.
What if I am,
It's all his fault,
no it is there fault.
If they didn't have ignorant,
stupid,
varmint type people working for them,
then I would be sitting here like this.
Steaming,
deep breathing,
slowing an anxiety attack.
They lied.
They covered it up.
I feel screwed from every one involved.
The good kind,
and the bad.
Isn't that what business is about these days?
Uggg,
I'm involved too,
but I have a right.
I am human,
am I not allowed because I am not rich?
Have you never had love?
I'm not irresponsible.
They look down on me because I can't afford health insurance,
because I can barley pay all these hidden taxes.
Barley pay the rent,
electric,
water,
and keep gas in the beaten down shit box.
There are no hand outs.
People who believe that there are hand outs,
you are dumb,
you are blind.
Go down to an office and try to apply.
If you know someone who is getting a hand out,
and you know they are living a lie.
You are in just as deep for allowing the abuse,
or are in just as deep for creating a shameful lie.
It gives some hope.
At the end of it all,
paying the fees,
my heart wants to fail,
we have to scrape change,
just to eat.
We eat after all of the damn bills are paid,
if they can be,
if we can eat.
We make too much for help,
and have no choice in the order things are,
and have already cut down to absolute necessity expenses.
A domino effect,
one falls onto another.
It's the bare basics too,
no fine dinning,
no drive thru.
Meals equal a dollar fifty a person,
yet with the four of us it's hard to scrap change.
How could we add anymore.
Formula and dipars are by far the biggest expense in the shopping cart.
If only we could by them at the dollar store too.
We are not allowed to be happy,
we are not allowed to live,
nor are we able to be free.
Living under the clanking of pennies,
like tight clasped chains.
Made to feel like a whore,
instead of an adept family.
All because we can't afford the cost.
Birth control fails,
condoms,
the pill,
and if I had any of the rest,
they aren't fair priced.
Seven hundred dollars for an IUD to prevent.
Abortion costs over a thousand dollars.
Raising another kid isn't looked at as responsible.
They'll just want to take that baby,
and the others,
all because we are border line poor.
It's abuse and neglect to not feed them,
but impossible to fight fate.
You laugh at the thought,
that this is a joke.
Have you ever sat down and pieced everything out.
We are grateful and at times feel very blessed,
but this can't happen.
This will be a bigger mess,
how can we work anymore?
There just isn't enough hours in a day.
It all breaks down,
falls to pieces from here.
